Ring in the new year with a fantastic pecan smoked whole wookiee. This recipe will feed approximately 73 people, and never fails to impress. Buy only from a reputable butcher and make sure your wookiee is fresh. If you’re a bounty hunter and were lucky enough to bag your own wookiee this year, don’t forget to remove the scent glands before cooking!
16 bunches of fresh cilantro with roots, leaves reserved and stems and roots chopped
14 hands of fresh ginger, 3 cups peeled and chopped
16 heads of garlic, cloves separated, peeled, and chopped
20 shallots, chopped
8 cups fish sauce
20 14-ounce cans coconut milk, shaken
4 cups dried red chilies, such as cayenne
2 cups whole white peppercorns
Zest of 17 limes
20 fresh kaffir lime leaves, stems and center veins discarded and leaves chopped
1 whole wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk (up to 300 pounds), gutted and singed, scalded, and shaved
8 bottles of Smokin’ Spice
4 Bags of charcoal
6-8 pecan logs without bark
Use a mortar and pestle to pound cilantro stems and roots, ginger, garlic, and shallots, to a paste, pounding each ingredient thoroughly before adding the next. Then add the fish sauce to create a thin paste. You’ll probably need to work in batches. Transfer to a large caldron and stir in the coconut milk.
Grind the dried chilies and peppercorns together in a spice grinder. Add the lime zest and kaffir leaf pieces, and grind them all together until the mixture is fine and slightly moist. Stir the spice mixture into the coconut milk mixture.
Please make sure your wookiee has been completely shaved and de-loused before starting. Rub your wookiee (put it in a giant garbage bag or large plastic bin), inside and out with the Smokin’ Spice. Then rub the coconut mixture all over the salted pig, inside and out.
Put the wookiee, belly up, in a large heavy-duty trash bag and pour any remaining marinade inside the cavity. Squeeze out as much air as possible from the bag and tie it. Let sit for 2 to 3 days in a very large refrigerator the trunk of your b-wing.
Get a large smoker up to 200 degrees F. You can easily build a large wookiee roaster with cinderblocks from your local hardware store.
Remove the wookiee from the bag, saving as much of the marinade as possible. Put the wookiee in the smoker, belly up, and pour the marinade into the belly cavity. While it’s cooking, focus on stoking your fire, maintaining the temperature, and drinking. The harry ape is ready when the internal temperature of the thickest part of the shoulder is at 170 degrees F. Any wookiee over 300 pounds or so will take the full 24 hours. If you’re working with young 50-pounders, though, it’ll take closer to 12 hours. You can also quarter your wookiee and use several conventional smokers. Sometimes this is the best method for a large wookiee, because the hindquarters typically require more cook time than the torso.
Remove the wookiee from the smoker and transfer it to a large table covered with a plastic tablecloth or tarp. Let it rest for about 20 minutes, but wookiee-mad people will undoubtedly start ripping into the fatty flesh before you can get it to the table. I know because I’m one of them. Use a heavy-duty, sharp knife to remove the primals, peel the skin, and chop the meat. Be sure to have a catch basin for the juice and fat that will be spilling out from the smoky carcass. Toss the reserved cilantro leaves over the chopped meat.